For
over two decades, I dreamed of living in California. I had the idea that I
wanted to live in the Bay Area for awhile, because I knew that San Francisco
needed a chapter in my Big Gay Life. I longed for a beach-side life. I believed
that there had to be somewhere along the coast between the Bay Area and L.A.
that I could live close to the Ocean. I also longed for the California Cowgirl
life, living somewhere on a piece of land where I could garden, maybe have
chickens and goats, ride horses. I have always wanted a rose garden, to commune
with horses, and to learn to fly a plane. I figured all of those things could
be possible with a California countryside life. Perhaps all of this could
coalesce into One Wonderful Life: Bay Area, Ocean, Countryside.
I didn't
know much about Santa Cruz. Now, I do. At the change over from 2011 to 2012,
the beginning of the last year of the Mayan Calender, I left the Seattle area
after 14 years, and moved to California. I tried to find work and aliving situation
in San Francisco or Oakland, but nothing was falling into place despite best
efforts. Then all of a sudden, through the Sisterhood network, I was led to
Santa Cruz (a mere 60 miles from SanFran), a beach cottage that was available to rent, and the Sisterhood
hand-over. Skip the city and head straight to the beach, the Divine Beloved
said. As so, I did.
It’s hard to believe that as this year closes, I’ve been in
California for two years now. These past two years have been a time of huge
transition, as one would imagine. It is said that Santa Cruz is one of
those places that people come to heal. For me, being in Santa Cruz, aka
‘Paradise’ has brought me to a more healed, whole, healthy, mature, clear,
strong and centered place than ever before. Maybe it’s the consistent sunny
days. Maybe it’s the negative ions from the salt water and air. Maybe it’s the
sand between my toes. Maybe it was a horrific romantic heartbreak resulting
from a narcissisticly abusive involvement. Or maybe, I was just ready to go
there: emotionally and spiritually purge self and soul down to the core, as I
had to do materially to prepare to leave the Seattle area after so long.
Whatever the factors involved, this transition has changed me forever, for the
good. I will never be the same. I have moved out of victim consciousness
to never return.
Dreams continue to come true, now that my dream of living in California, near
the Bay Area, has been achieved. I have been living in my dream beach cottage two
blocks from the sea, and growing a small vegetable and herb garden on the
patio. In the Spring I camped in Yosemite National Park for the first time, and
I plan to go back again and again. I have visited Big Sur many times, a place
my maternal grandfather loved. I am participating regularly in a community jazz
workshop, and I have my Etsy shop up and running. I now have what I would
consider a ‘grown-up’s car’: a completely reliable ’96 Toyota Camry 4-door
sedan.
It hasn’t been easy. There
have been many dark nights of the soul: the narcissistic abuse I suffered, the slow-going of making new friends in this tight-knit small town community, the death of my aunt, who my mother was estranged from for decades, my need to take an intentional break from my mother for awhile, deep intensive therapy and soul searching instigated by the narcissistic abuse and continued by my empassioned desire for emotional wellness and freedom from negative beliefs and childhood trauma. Deep, hard, powerful, transformational healing work, guided by an excellent therapist. It's been painful and exhausting. And deeply rewarding.
Also, It’s expensive to live in California,
while the wages in the Santa Cruz area are low. It’s been a difficult financial
struggle; at times I have wondered how I would make it, and not wind up living
in my car. Add to that, my reproductive health issues have reached a
turning point, requiring some serious consideration and intervention, and I
haven’t been able to afford health care to address the issues. I was barely
making it with about $150 to spend on food and fuel for the month, after my
minimal bills were paid. I looked in vain for higher-paying work, or a less
expensive place to live. I thought that maybe I wouldn't make it in California
after all.
In the midst of this struggle, a friend needed to re-home one of her dogs, a
deer-point Chihuahua named Lezzie. Yes, Lezzie. I haven't been able yet to
bring myself to get a new cat, even though my dear Bobby died two years ago.
But I am not a person who lasts long without a pet, I adore animals too much.
And animals love me automatically. They take easily to my empathic nature, and
my healing touch. So Lezzie came to stay with me on a trial basis. We haven't
made it official yet, but it's been three months, and she's staying with me.
She's super sweet, and then also territorial and protective. It's kind of nice
to have someone other critter take some of the responsibility of protecting me.
I've been on my own for so long, self-preservation is a full-time occupation,
and it can get exhausting and awful lonely. A little dog helps mediate all
that. Me, with a Chihuahua! Hilarious! Would have never thought that would
happen. I would love to have a German Shepherd. And a Yorkie. Lol.
So, with my efforts to find other work and/or other living situations
failing again and again, I sort of gave up looking. A bunch of wonderful Sister-friends generously
helped me when things got very dire financially, and I was able to get caught
up on bills and get some food in my cabinet, and gas in my car. I decided to
just survive as best I could on what little I had coming in. Anemic due to
my menorrhagia , and unable to get the much needed help of a gynecologist with
no health insurance, I got to the point where there was nothing else I could do to
solve my conundrums on my own, and I just turned it all over to my Higher
Power, or the Divine Beloved as I like to refer to Her these days. And
wow, did She deliver!
I went to a Halloween party that my co-worker friend was
throwing. While there, I hit it off immediately with one of her longest,
closest friends. Turns out, this new friend had a room to rent in her family house out in
the countryside, for considerably less
rent than I was paying for my beach cottage studio apartment and utilities. As
the house was only five miles from work, I could also save a considerable
amount of money on fuel. And in lowering my overhead by a few hundred dollars a
month, I could now afford to purchase the health insurance through my employer.
So despite not knowing this woman or the others living at the house barely at
all, I jumped. I took a leap of blind faith. Sisterhood is powerful, and again
the Divine Beloved provided the perfect solution through the Sisterhood
network.
And with this move, there are so many interesting details. The house is a
beautiful old Victorian style countryside house with a barn in back (can you
say dream house?). It is surrounded by apple orchards, and down the road a
piece from the strawberry fields. There is a lots of space, space for me to set
up a arts and crafts station, a functional vegetable garden already in place,
fenced dog-friendly backyard with several other sweet dogs, a rose garden with
over 50 rose bushes on the property. My coworker
friend is a pilot. Her friend, the one whose house it is, owns a horse and
rides horses and knows lots of horse-women. Living in an apartments in the barn
are two guys that are musicians who play piano and guitar, with a piano and
music studio set up in the barn, just what a singer needs. There is a big
eat-in kitchen, and my new friend is an excellent cook. So much that I have
wanted and needed in one fell swoop.
There is more work for me to do. I will be pursuing options to deal with my menorrhagia and may consider having a hysterectomy, which entails a six week recovery and time off of work. I am just barely above anemic. The health crisis has taken my toll on my body, my energy, my weight, my skin. I still have belongings in storage in Seattle that need to be retrieved (an eliminate that bill). My car needs front brakes and a CV joint, which I have not yet been able to afford. My budget is in transition from the old 'barely making' it level, to the new 'i might make it' level. I have a pile of late bills to pay. My Etsy shop is up and running, but I'm lucky to get one sale per month. My website needs a rebuild. I need to find an outlet for vocal performance, not just musical workshop. There are million places I want to explore in California. I have a few friends now, and still no real, good romantic partnership. I need a cat.
But, I have this feeling that there is
much yet to come from this next chapter. That this move and transition will
provide for many blessings, and journey me down the road of my life in really
positive ways that I yet cannot see. I hope to have more time with horses, time
with airplanes, time with good women who have been born and raised in the
Central California Coast area, who are rooted in the Land and the Sisterhood
network that exists here, strong, underground, close to the earth, sweet, kind
and reliable.
It's a new world and new life, and I'm feeling good.
