Death of a Dream

What I've learned, especially as I have come to really understand narcissism, and the realization of just how many people I have had in my life with some serious narcissistic characteristics, is that sometimes the appearance of something is misleading. And often, in my good-hearted nature, wanting to believe the best of everyone and everything, always seeing the good and the potential... I am either misled, manipulated, or simply don't see the reality for what it is. And sometimes you don't know, until you know.

The wonderful living situation turned out to be a 'make it work for now' situation. I won't go into all the details because there are good people involved, let's just say it's not the right fit for me. It became apparent to me within a month of living at the house, that this was to be a short term temporary solution, and not a long term one. This was highly disappointing and disillusioning, after believing their was so much potential. The benefit I've been able to glean from this living situation is lowered monthly expense enabling me to buy medical insurance through my employer, a small bedroom of my own, and the apple orchards to let my dog run in (Lezzie and I are official now). All the extras that I was idealistic about, aren't quite coming to pass. And furthermore, more unforeseen circumstances took place.

 Just as I was starting to try and get settled in a bit, and before I had accumulated any kind of money in the bank from the revised budget, my car died on the way to work. Turns out it was the timing belt, at least a $1200 job, and I had no money to fix it.

I was already really struggling with the fresh disappointment of the realization that I had given up my sweet beach cottage that I loved, to live somewhere I thought would meet many of my needs and desires for a home, to realize that this was not to be the case. (of course, I was still recovering from the disappointment and disillusionment of yet another failed attempt at love, one in which the love professed to me was a lie and a manipulation, because narcissistic abuse takes a while to get out of your system, no joke.). Add to that the overall disappointment of realizing that my dream of living in California was just.not.working: what I was trying to build, just kept crumbling. 

I didn't realize that when I took the opportunity to move to Santa Cruz, that the wages were so low in the area, and the job pickings so slim, while the cost of living being so so high. I took the first job that would hire me after five months of looking and running through all my funds. I got hired through a temp agency, and eventually hired permanent, but at a low wage: half of what I was earning in Seattle. Turns out, the wage I was hired at is about what the going rate is for the area. Around here, there are job ads for the executive assistant to a CEO, something I'm qualified to do, that pay $12/hour. No joke. ~Are you freaking kidding me?  Do you know how much work that is?~ I kept applying for other jobs, sending out resumes ad naseum. In over a year and half of looking, I got one interview. One. They called me back, but I wasn't hired, which turns out to be a good thing, because one of my current co-workers previously worked at that company and said it was a horrible place to work. 

Plus, the housing costs are so high, to even find a room to rent in a house or apartment for under $800/month in this area is a stretch. I had a tiny cottage to myself for that much, and that was miraculous, little did I know. And I gave it up, because at that rent plus utilities, on my low wage, I had $150 to live on after my bills were paid. That is how much I had to live on for food, gas to work, and every other thing you need each month. Since gas to work cost me $120/month, I was barely surviving.

So I kept looking, to no avail. Things got dire financially. How many months in a row can you live on direct deposit advances on your paycheck before it all catches up with you? I lasted over a year like that, bolstered occasionally with a quarterly bonus, or a gift from a friend, until things came crashing down financially in September. Thankfully, my loved ones caught me and shored me up for the moment at that point. Then I found the room to rent, and made that move, in the nick of financial time. Then I realized this was not going to work for me. Then my car died, leaving me stranded at a house I felt uncomfortable and awkward and emotionally unsafe being at, out in the countryside without good public transportation access, unable to visit my friends in town, take care of my errands, go to doctor and therapy appointments, go food shopping, take myself and my dog to the beach.

Needless to say, I hit a new low. How much fucking disappointment can one gal take? I broke up with the Universe. I gave up. I was miserable and lonely and disappointed and grieving and angry and somewhat panicked. I tossed in the towel on this whole 'California Dreamin' bullshit. #Done. This ain't working. Need yet another game plan. Again. But i was too exhausted to think of one, battling my body's intense menstrual cycle, everything on hold and slow-mo. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. Mercury Retrogedden.

Even though I broke up with the Universe, she didn't break up with me.

Sweet co-workers rallied to provide me rides to work. One of my housemates turned out to be an excellent mechanic and fixed my car, although it now needs a new starter, and still needs a few things. Some friends encouraged me to do a GoFundMe campaign, which I did, raising enough money to get my car fixed, pay off some past due bills and get a little money in the bank. I started to plan my hysterectomy, plan for my recovery, plan for leaving the house I'm in, plan for leaving California. Plan for yet another 'start all over'.


I'm still exhausted in so many many ways. I'm still disappointed in so many many ways. I'm still doing some deep internal healing in so many many ways. And soon I will get the surgery that I hope will provide me with some physical healing and relief.

Miles to go before I sleep, miles to go before I sleep.